As you know, I’ve been listening to a lot of Brené Brown, and a lot of what she says builds on things I’ve read in the past. I’m particularly reminded of Derren Brown’s many references to the ‘stories’ we tell ourselves; stories which lead to negative thoughts/beliefs/assumptions which have little to do with the events themselves and everything to do with our own narrative about what they mean.
Brené has taught me about being honest about what these events and stories are. She has taught me that if I hide from stories – which I’ve always done – then they will always be a source of shame and misery; that I’m ‘only as sick as my secrets.’
But if I own them, and admit to them, contrarily, then I will get to control the narrative. And the ending.
I’ve been thinking about things that I’ve long-since held secret, along with a deep sense of shame; shame that I know has corroded by happiness and self-esteem.
I’ve been picturing myself talking about these things, on stage, as a stand-up-comedienne. I’ve found myself laughing about these things. I see now that these ‘shameful’ failings and missteps really aren’t so bad… but rather my silence surrounding them made them feel so.
And I’ve felt a weight lift on my chest. Without even having uttered a word.
Whether I actually make it to the comedy stage down the line is something else. But it’s something that I’m going to build on… because whilst I’m struggling to put into words what this means for me, I know it means something important.
I think I finally ‘get’ honesty and authenticity; how it can comfort and empower me, and potentially those around me.
I think I see at last, that what I thought to be the problem – being ‘found out’ – might actually be the solution.