In 2023,I stopped drinking and started therapy. It’s great, I know, but it didn’t (and still doesn’t) always feel that marvellous. Therapy has brought a lot of hidden thoughts and feelings to the surface – things that have been incredibly difficult to confront. At times, I’ve felt that I’m unravelling completely, but I’m told it’s all part of the healing process.
Amongst all this, regret has been a theme. I regret things said and done, or more often in my case, avoided, unsaid and ultimately missed out on. I could go on, but we’d be here for a while…
The thing is, staying ‘stuck’ in regret is pretty much pointless. I can’t change what has happened in the past. I have to accept it and forgive myself. At that time in my life, when I made those choices, I was doing the best that I could.
What I’m starting to realise is that regret can be a teacher. You can use it constructively, to show you who you are.
An investment banker, for instance, doesn’t regret not writing every day. Not unless, they’re also a writer and someone that feels pulled to write. A person who isn’t meant to be fit and active doesn’t regret skipping the the gym. But a soul who comes alive with exercise, will likely feel the loss of the endorphins, energy, confidence and peace.
People talk about ‘following your passion.’ But it’s not always easy to know where your passions lie. Regret can be a marker, to show you the way, especially where you feel it deeply.
Similarly, when you don’t feel the pain – that’s a signal too. After all, we all fall into the trap sometimes (especially in January) of setting goals that aren’t really ours; things we feel we ought to do, rather than actually want to. Yes, I’d love a washboard stomach. But not enough to care when I repeated miss the abs workout.
Though I’m soon approaching 40, I’m still learning who I am. And who I’m not…
Sadly, it looks like I’m not somebody with a six-pack you could crack nuts on. Gutted. But I am a writer. I must be. Because when I don’t write, I feel it – deep regret in my body and mind.
So “take that, imposter syndrome!” If I wasn’t a writer, I wouldn’t even care. And with this in mind, I guess I’ll keep on writing…
Have you encountered any regrets (or non-regrets) over January? What do these feelings tell you about yourself? Feel free to share in the comments below…
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