Meet Yourself Where You Are

Yesterday, I wrote for the first time in AGES. I talked about being held back by unrealistic expectations; about dreaming big, but starting small. I finished off with a message about momentum. Once you’ve started, you have something to build on.

I’m feeling that message myself, this morning. I must be. Because here I am, again. And I do want to build on what I said yesterday, with a message that has helped me.

Meet Yourself Where You Are.

I’ve gotten this wrong so many times. In fact, I’d say I’d done the complete opposite of this. When it comes to goal-setting, ‘current me’ and ‘future me’ aren’t even in the same postcode. We’re not even on the same map!

This is clear anytime I get sick or injured; anytime that I’m physically unable to meet the demands of the inner-taskmaster. I’ll be in bed, full of flu, sweating, exhausted and the weakest version of myself… But phone in hand, I’ll be filling out my calendar for the following week – with missed appointments, catchups with friends and daily gym sessions to get right back to it.

It’s a ridiculous pattern, I know. Even more so because it has a 100% failure rate. I try to do too much; far more than I’m ready for. And when I can’t, I tell myself it’s because I’m weak or incapable or worthless. I usually end up consoling myself with a mound of donuts and wallowing in misery for the next month. Not fun.

The thing is – and it’s taken me decades to learn this – I’m not the problem. The expectations are the problem.

As a teacher, I learned the importance of pitching challenges at the appropriate level. If a task is too difficult – too far beyond the child’s current state or skillset – it becomes frustrating, demoralising and usually leads to the student giving up. It’s like asking a student, who can barely read, to recite War and Peace at the front of assembly. Or getting cross with a child who had just learned to add up, because they struggle to solve quadratic equations.

Of course, I would never have set such challenges when I was teaching. That would have been counterproductive, not to mention cruel. Yet, looking back at my own life, I can see that time and time again in my approach to goal-setting, I’ve demonstrated a callous disregard where my emotional/mental/physical self might be at the time.

I wasn’t meeting myself where I was… But I’m working on it.

I started out the week with lots of grand plans – oh the lengths I’d swim, the gym laps I’d run, the smoothies I’d drink and the donuts I’d avoid… However, by the end of Monday and already beginning to feel like a failure, I realised my mistake. My plans were just too ambitious for where I’m currently at, especially after a month of eating non-stop and barely exercising in December. I needed to start small.

So I’ve taken it down a notch and opted to peddle for 30 minutes on the exercise bike. I can watch a TV show as I exercise and I don’t have to go outside, so it’s much easier to coax myself into actually doing it.

Going on the exercise bike feels like a natural stepping stone. Whereas, right now, the gym and swimming baths feel too far away. They’re stepping stones too, but at such a distance from where I’m at on the shore that I’d have to leap to reach them and risk falling into the water. So instead, I’ll take it slowly and I’ll cross the river, step by step.

If you’re struggling under the weight of your own expectations or telling yourself a story about what it means not to meet them, consider that the problem isn’t you yourself. Look at what you’re asking of yourself : is it kind and realistic? Is it clear and manageable? Can you break down a dream into a series of small stepping stones? Can you meet yourself where you are?

Let me know how you get on in the comments section below. Good luck!