What would I do if…

In the past month, I’ve felt the presence of anxiety more and more. I feel it wrapped around me as I go about my day; as I make decisions, as I strive to make plans, as I eat and drink, as I interact with others.

I’m struggling to know what to say or do, what to think even. I’m struggling to hear my gut reactions, my inner wisdom, to know when I’m avoiding something that I genuinely don’t want to do, or zigzagging because I’m afraid/insecure/being driven by.

Honestly, I’m just struggling.

Then the other morning, I was walking back to my car from the shop, locked into some mental battle about how I should or shouldn’t be spending the rest of my day.

And I was struck by the question: what would I do if I wasn’t afraid?

More over, if words like anxiety, worry, panic and fear had never made it into my vocabulary, how would my mental dialogue right now be different?

If I made a conscious choice to ignore it, to disregard it, to not even take into account in my thoughts or actions, mean that anxiety ceased to exist?

Of course, I’d still likely notice a psychological and physiological reaction in situations whereby I was out of my comfort zone… but if I didn’t have the vocabulary to label things as I do now, perhaps I’d have a different interpretation of what they were and what they meant. Just a thought. 

As is, it feels good, calming even, to ask myself this question. It feels like a question that provokes genuine feelings and answers.

So when I am struggling to choose, to do, to know – in those moments where my vision is blurred by anxiety – I’m going to try and consider what I’d do without it. And do that.