I had a little bit of a battle with self-sabotage over the last couple of weeks, namely in the area of diet. I’d had 3 brilliant months of being sugar-free, and was feeling all the better for it. And then, of course, it all went wrong…
It’s deeply frustrating, especially when I know what I need/want to do, and I know that this feels great – yet I still make bad choices that will and do leave me feeling physically, mentally and emotionally shitty.
It feels like a form of self-harm.
But without getting too emotional about it, it is also just a habit. I’ve repeatedly eaten and drunk my feelings, since I was about 10 years old – so I guess to forego this for three months is pretty impressive, and I guess more patience is needed to wear down these neural pathways.
I also see though, that like so many problems I have in my life, it all stems back to a destructive attitude of perfectionism.
i.e. if my diet isn’t perfect, I’m a failure and I may as well give up/not bother/eat everything in sight.
i.e. if I’m going out eating and drinking on Thurdays, then I may as well eat junk all week, because it’s a write-off.
i.e. if I’ve had a drink, then I may as well get a pudding too, because I’ve already let the sugar in.
Notice here, that there’s no question of what I actually want to eat; what my body wants and needs. Notice that there’s little common sense in this approach.
So for now, I’m thinking that actually I need to take the focus away from my diet, and towards my ability to be okay with making mistakes, taking things one choice at a time.
I think I need to remind myself that life isn’t black and white, or all or nothing, and that living it as if it is, will only leave me feeling washed out and empty.