As a child raised on Poirot and Miss Marple, I’ve always had a fondness for murder mysteries and detective stories. So it’s not so surprising that now as an adult, I’ve developed a penchant for True Crime as well. Whether it’s YouTube videos, podcasts or the latest serial killer documentary (Netflix seem to have an endless supply), I seemingly can’t get enough.
As guilty pleasures go, there are worse ones. Crack cocaine it isn’t. Heck, often I get on the exercise bike and peddle while watching!
But it isn’t great either. Not when I delve a little deeper and honestly consider why I like it.
On the surface level, it’s a strange and counterintuitive that a worrier like me would enjoy watching crime shows. So I must be getting something out of it, other than procrastination. When I watch or listen, I’m not only entertained but often comforted too. But why? What on earth could be comforting about watching some innocent person come to an untimely (and often horrific) end?
Perhaps it’s a need to see perpetrators brought to justice? Nope – I lose interest at this point in the show. Or on some level, I might be trying to prepare myself, in case something like that happened to me? Maybe. That would explain why I was more drawn to stories involving female victims. There was something else too though; something far more damaging: confirmation bias.
Every time I consumed True Crime, I was confirming beliefs that I’d adopted as a child – that the world outside was something to be feared; that I was victim, especially being a woman; that generally, people weren’t to be trusted; that I was better off alone.
Like I said, they’re beliefs adopted in childhood. They’re only comforting because they’re so familiar. It’s snug and cosy in the mind’s echo chamber, when your long-held views aren’t being challenged.
The problem here is that these beliefs aren’t mine, but someone else’s. Nor are they true, useful or constructive. As an adult, I can see that this way of thinking fuels fear and anxiety. It feeds a victim mentality, breeds isolation and loneliness.
It gets in the way of things that I value – like freedom (how can I be free, if I’m afraid to go out?); and courage (it’s hard to be courageous, when you feel like a victim); and connection (not so easy, when you’re unwilling to trust people.) Ergo, it’s a set of beliefs that I want to drop.
So, just as a quitting smoker might taper off cigarettes, I’m going to cut down on what’s unhealthy for my mind. I’ll swap out podcasts for something a little more inspirational, or at the very least fictional. And instead of Forensic Files, I’ll opt for a comedy series – something that makes me laugh and also warms the heart.
Though I might leave the exercise bike as an exception to the rule… Because imagining yourself being chased by a serial killer clown, sure makes for a hell of a workout.
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